April 5th...A day that is burned into my soul

Where to start? Ramblings. Two people that meant so much to some many people.  Baby boomers that can't relate. Or can they? He was our Lennon they (genx) say.  Drug addicts. Hmmm. So many memories.  Good, bad, and numb. I can still feel (actually hate to feel) the hole in my heart and burning in my stomach when I think back to both of those days...both bombs that were dropped...interesting enough in a very similar way.  April 8, 1994, I remember starting my car and hearing "Heart Shaped Box" like I have a million times...and then a pause on the radio.  Dead silence. Dead silence.  Dead Silence.  Then Marco Collins, legendary DJ, spoke and everything changed.  

Fast forward 8 years and the time had come that I unfortunately had been waiting for on a daily basis. There's something about instinct.  Something about a gut feel. When do you trust it? When do you know it's real? Driving home at 2 am and hearing "It's Coming After (Second Coming)" wondering why the fuck this is being played on the radio and why at this hour for God's sake. Then an old familiar voice came on the radio...Damon Stewart "the guru" spoke. It had been years since I heard him on the radio.  Damon was the first DJ in Seattle to play Alice on the radio and he was also Layne's and Demri's roommate. Do I remember the day Damon played them?  How could I forget?  Devin basically tattooed it on my brain about the big day when "they" would get their first radio play. Song ends and then, again, dead silence.  Dead silence. Damon then said IT.  I felt the same burn in my stomach and the hole was gashed back open.  I really didn't think I would have that feeling again, but I was kindly reminded. The difference being, I felt relieved.  He finally didn't have to suffer anymore. 

Rest in peace dear friends...

Core Self imprisonment I suppose somewhere inside me I yearn for freedom from That which holds me stagnant Overexaggeration turns underestimated Emotion... Emotion. Why the urgency to hide and Slow the flow of that which could, And perhaps will, improve, and Heal the burning inside? I am protecting my pain It is mine And I so badly want to keep my Pain to myself But, in doing so I am hurting So many who cross me, or care for me, Aching for love and acceptance, Only to throw you down in the latter Of our shared love Yet anger and guilt not shared Between me and you You are blamed for all that is a Mystery within myself...burning Oh, I pray that I might someday Throw a blanket over that angry Child If the strength is found within the Core of my being His tears soak my heart and Weight it down I am drowning, and I am tired, And so very, very lonely I am.   --Layne Staley